How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him