We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.