Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.


the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO


i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before


I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.


Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.


Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.


For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.


My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.


Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.


“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”