@dumbbeezie

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

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@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@ch000ch

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

@ch000ch

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

@noog

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

@BonaFideIntent

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

@david8hughes

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

@clindsaysway

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

@SCbchbum

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”