@dumbbeezie

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

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@JPLFR80

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

@SaddestFinger

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

@LuvPug

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

@wolfpupy

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

@JediGigi

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

@hythemafia

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

@mstern68

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987