Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
constantly working on myself.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying