RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The USS B port
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.