A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
You Might Also Like
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I love wikipedia
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”