What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
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dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
presenting your incognito window wrapped
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
This did not end as expected.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Why is it spelled camouflage and not