The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.