Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!