[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
(Electricians.)
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”