I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Saturday
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Pandas 🐼🖤
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm