i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”