@EyalTweet Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
@CrockettForReal They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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@EyalTweet 
@RuffaloShuffle Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
@junejuly12 Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
@Stellacopter Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
@DamonHunzeker If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
@SexytotheNorth *Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
@noog Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
@CatherineLMK Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
@shopkins776 If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
@sweetmomissa Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.