They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?


Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”


Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.


Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.


If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.


*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.


Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.


Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.


If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me


Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.