They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
You Might Also Like
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds