They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
![]()
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here