They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.