@CrockettForReal

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

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@EyalTweet

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@junejuly12

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

@Stellacopter

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

@SexytotheNorth

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

@noog

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

@CatherineLMK

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

@sweetmomissa

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.