I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
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Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.