Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
This hospital has everything
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.