I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.