Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined