Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations