THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
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You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
bad news gang
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?