Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover