Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.