My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Nice try, poison.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly