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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey