My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
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Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My dog ate my work from home.