The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.