Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
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*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is