*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom