Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.