I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen