“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
same bro
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?