Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Skills
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.