Skills
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.