I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Still cracks me up
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.