Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

I know

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”