Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”