I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Sounds like a bargain
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba