Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Thursday
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
When they try to steal your moment.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.