When they try to steal your moment.
You Might Also Like
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.