Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch