Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Breaking news:
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks