Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.