“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”![]()
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?