“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Flock of bats
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.