“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream