“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.