My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L