Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
this is the most humiliating day of my life