So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?