At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Zack Greinke stories are the best
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”
Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Me: put them together?
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.