At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
She was REALLY feeling it.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I have a black belt in leather
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.