At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Happy Thanksgiving
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.