Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume