took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Ape together strong
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes