me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
How can I say no to this ?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Mountain Goat : )
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.