I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have