“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Cool shirt 🙂
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one