“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
You Might Also Like
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.