Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg