Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.